I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
