You made me cry and you don't even care
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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