The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
where are my eyebrows?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
