his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
