And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
