Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
