i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
