I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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