I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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