What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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