my phone needs a breathalizer
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
