i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
