just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
