The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
