If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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