he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Houston, we have a squirter
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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