I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
