Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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