Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
