hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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