I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
