so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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