I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
