dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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