just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
