I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Randomize
