It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
