I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
