I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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