dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
