I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
