i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
