good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
