It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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