swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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