I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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