Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
