She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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