Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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