Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
