How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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