Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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