The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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