did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
