Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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