Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
