:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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