my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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