No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
