My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
