Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
